I have the urge to write things down. I am scared to forget how beautiful my life is. I don’t exaggerate when I say I have over 50 diaries fully written (I started when I was 8 years old and basicly never stopped – although I had a pause in between). I am a photographer: I
want need to freeze time in order to feel like I experienced it. This sometimes feels like a sickness to me. Is it? Shooting film gives me a space to breathe, because I cannot see the images right away. Reading back in my diaries from the last winter months I notice how scared I was, so insecure about what was about to happen. It’s hard for me to have no control over big future plans. I am very happy that in the meantime we found our dream home and will be moving in about 2 months. I was so stressed about finding a new place, selling my appartment, planning the wedding, my health. I still am but at least things are getting better. Whenever I feel stressed I instantly feel ungrateful too. It’s funny how my mind can hardly separate the two. How can I be stressed about these things while at the same time people are hungry, cold and alone. It’s like I don’t allow myself to feel sad or hurt. The last few months were hard for me, for reasons and feelings I myself cannot understand, let alone write down. That’s how life is sometimes. I don’t always have to write down how grateful I am because you can read it between the lines. Now I’m here, relieved and happy and with new energy to capture what’s coming. I only have to read a few lines of my diaries to remember what a beautiful life I have and where I came from. Just 2 weeks ago I wrote: “I hope I will always ALWAYS remember how loved I am right now”. I picture myself reading it someday, hopefully being old, wrinkly and content with a smile on my face. So many adventures ahead. I was not fully ready to say it in January but here it is: bring it on 2017. I’m fine. I got this. Thank you -you who is reading this- for walking along with me, x Hanke.
please, share your thoughts.